I see it...

For the first time in twenty five years, I look exactly how I want to look. I am a freak, I am beautiful and I can finally accept and embrace that.

Salted dreams..

Today was filled with sunshine and salt water, bubbles and baked goods as my sister and I decided to introduce ourselves to Victoria's very own Great Ocean Road. We listened to the radio with the windows down, the salty sea breeze blowing my hair like a cotton candy cyclone. We stopped in Lorne and played in the rock pools, collected sea shells and blew bubbles at tourists. We continued onwards, music pounding and hearts racing, to Apollo Bay where we ate felafel wraps, sipped apple juice and blew hundreds of tiny bubbles for the children. Hot crossed buns smeared with creamy butter were consumed as the sun began to set. It was an awesome day of adventure, bonding and exploration. I hope to spend many more days in Lorne, rummaging amongst the rock pools, blowing bubbles and singing loudly.

Walk, walk, fashion baby...

I'm going through a change of fashion heart. I'm super inspired by pastels at the moment, as well as nu-goth, 90s grunge and Japanese street fashions. I'm incorporating a hell of a lot of thrifted items into my wardrobe and a lot of lavender lace, velvet and ripped tees. Like a May flower or maybe the change in medication dosage allowed me to express my colourful interior on my exterior. Anyway, here is some stuff that is inspiring me at the moment:

Bless this Mess...

I've been damaged by my childhood but I guess we all have been. Years of torment and rejection left me feeling isolated and unworthy of love. I always believed that when someone finally did love me, I would welcome them with open arms, embrace them and all of their flaws and hold on to them forever. But to my great dismay, I began to push away the people who loved me most (or attempted to). I tormented and tortured them. I insulted and degraded them. I denied their affection. I became vicious and mean and sadistic and spiteful. I rejected and hurt those who attempted to love me because I couldn't understand how they could possibly love someone like me. How could they love someone whose own mother had insulted and demeaned them? Whose father abandoned them? Whose peers tormented and bullied and abused them? How could they love someone as ugly and rotten and broken as me? It didn't make sense..It still doesn't make sense.

From adolescence I have ruined friendships and relationships because I have felt unworthy of love. I'm not whingeing or whining about how damaged I am; I want to be better. I can only psychoanalyze myself to a certain point before I become stuck and lost for how I can rid myself of this incredibly self-destructive and horrid affliction. I need to know how to accept those who attempt to love this mess that I have become...without medication.

Grow

After three months together, Scott and I have parted ways. It wasn't working and we both knew it. I guess I'm single again. I never thought that, at the age of 25, I would be saying that. All I know is that he deserves better than me and in my heart I know that he will find an amazing girl with a heart of gold who loves him more than a fat kid loves cake . But I ain't got a heart of gold and I'm weathered from the storm.

I guess this is growing up.

Pastel dreams for a post-modern nightmare

While I'm down I'm drawn to all things pastel, femme, and kawaii. The ethereal and whimsical nature of pastel styles and imagery draws me out of the darkness and leads me to the light.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

After eight years of studying a myriad of subjects at university, I am no longer a student. I have officially discontinued the honours course I intended to pursue this year and have applied to graduate with a Bachelor of Arts. This has come as a shock to most people with cries of "Oh, but you wanted to do honours" and "You were so excited" echoing around my skull, but the truth is, I never wanted to do honours. I never saw the point, I would need to undertake an additional several years of education to become an historian and, well, I didn't even want to be an historian to begin with. I was just scared. I was scared of who I would be without my student status. I have always prided myself on being an academic, and without that I didn't know where I would stand. I didn't want to disappoint my family and friends. I wanted to be something, I wanted all of this study to amount to something. I was terrified that without university, without all of the recognition and praise I obtain through my work, I would amount to nothing. I wouldn't be able to get a job, I wouldn't be able to be recognised, I would be nothing. I was just scared of pursuing the one career that I thought would make me happy because of what people would think.

I'd love to teach children. I have had a passion for education since I was a teenager and I guess I pursued my own education for such a long time because of it. I believe that education is the most important asset one can possess and I believe teaching is one of the most important and influential professions. I've always wanted to make a difference, an impact on someone's life and I think through teaching I can finally do that. It's taken me a long time to come to this realisation, too long in fact and I am still afraid that I am disappointing those around me. But, I have (and will continue to) applied for the Graduate Diploma of Education (Early Childhood) at several universities for the second semester of this year and in the mean time I am taking a break. I have been studying since I was 18 and it's time for me to get a real job, make some money and socialise with the awesome people in my life.

So, that is where I am at. And I must say, I am truly happy at this point.