Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Are you here to bring me out of the shadows?

So, I've been single for a month and I've been dating. Well, not exactly dating but, going on dates with different people. It has been an interesting experience so far and one that is actually teaching me more about myself than I thought it could. Last week I had a few dates with a hairy, bespectacled illustrator. The first date went okay, he was absolutely floored that 'someone like you' would even look in his direction (my first lesson on how little I think of myself). We ended up not having much to talk about and it ended after three dates but I learned that I definitely don't see myself the way others do and I really need to change that.

I then decided to attend a Meetup group evening at an awesome Mexican club. I met quite a cute Canadian there and, through some awesome wing-woman skills on behalf of a new friend, I managed to get his number. We went on a date at a very upmarket bar, where the bartender managed to coax out of me that we were indeed on a first date and the people sitting at the bar began asking awkward questions. There was quite a lot of sexual attraction but unfortunately he was a little too intensely interested in me for a first date...but not enough to actually listen to anything I had to say. We went out again last night for a pre-birthday celebration where it was cemented that we didn't really have much to say to each other. I like making out with him but I also like conversation and he was already asking me what I wanted in a relationship seeing he was moving away in two years! Two years is a little far ahead to be discussing on a second date in my opinion. But when he asked me what I was looking for I was quite shocked because I actually didn't have an answer. I'm definitely not into casual sex but I think I'm happy to just go with the flow at the moment which is incredibly odd for me. Usually my definitive answer to that question is "a long-term partner" but I think this recent break up and these dates have made me realise that I don't have to settle for someone just because they like me and I'm allowed to experience different people in different ways before I settle.

Which brings me to my final date. For a long time, a particular person has been itching to take me on a date and after cancelling and rescheduling numerous times I decided I should just go. He took me to Guy Grossi's son's bar, Ombra Salumi Bar, he ordered fantastic food and wine and surprised me with several gifts for my birthday including a beautiful copy of Oscar Wilde's works, and vodka he had infused with Nerds (he's a bartender). We had plenty to talk about and I had a good time. After we left he took me to a gelato bar and claimed he had something to show me, which was a sneaky attempt at getting a kiss. It was a romantic evening and I felt so spoiled. But it all felt so wrong. I just felt so wrong being treated so well by someone who barely knows me. I felt I didn't deserve it and that I was somehow tricking him into something. It was an odd experience and really left me wondering how little I must think of myself that I don't think I deserve to be treated well. I'm still perplexed.

I think I've missed a lot from being a serial monogamist. I think I've missed a period of self-realisation and self-growth. I'm hoping to catch up on that, even if it is only a little. After all, a little knowledge can go a long way.

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