Tuesday, July 3, 2012

What's Left?

I consistently make bad decisions, say the wrong thing and act the wrong way. I don't even act the way I want to act most of the time; I seem to betray myself. I hurt the people I love, and withdraw from everyone else. The things that should make me happy send me into a spiraling abyss of sadness. It's hard to remember a day when I was more happy than sad. Nothing seems to make me happy like it used to. Nothing seems to have the same power. I used to want to sleep or drink or eat away the sadness but now even those things seem like too much effort. Doing, seeing, eating, being nothing is a better alternative. I'm starting to think I may never actually be happy again. I'm doing everything I should in order to be happy. I'm going to therapy, doing what I'm told - exercising, eating well, writing - but nothing seems to lift the shadow from my soul. I can't seem to do anything right, not even be happy.

I'm starting to think I'll never truly be happy again and once you've lost the hope of happiness, what's left?

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