Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Bless this Mess...

I've been damaged by my childhood but I guess we all have been. Years of torment and rejection left me feeling isolated and unworthy of love. I always believed that when someone finally did love me, I would welcome them with open arms, embrace them and all of their flaws and hold on to them forever. But to my great dismay, I began to push away the people who loved me most (or attempted to). I tormented and tortured them. I insulted and degraded them. I denied their affection. I became vicious and mean and sadistic and spiteful. I rejected and hurt those who attempted to love me because I couldn't understand how they could possibly love someone like me. How could they love someone whose own mother had insulted and demeaned them? Whose father abandoned them? Whose peers tormented and bullied and abused them? How could they love someone as ugly and rotten and broken as me? It didn't make sense..It still doesn't make sense.

From adolescence I have ruined friendships and relationships because I have felt unworthy of love. I'm not whingeing or whining about how damaged I am; I want to be better. I can only psychoanalyze myself to a certain point before I become stuck and lost for how I can rid myself of this incredibly self-destructive and horrid affliction. I need to know how to accept those who attempt to love this mess that I have become...without medication.

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